Can I be vulnerable for just a moment?

God has been teaching me some hard, yet sweet, lessons recently. I’ve had to painfully release some lifelong dreams to him.

God has used motherhood to really, REALLY humble me. It is THE hardest thing I’ve ever done. I make so many mistakes as a mom, and I just hope and pray that somehow, one day, my kids will turn out as healthy, godly adults.

Just today, two of my kids had check ups at the doctor’s office, but I had all three of them there with me. We were there a total of two hours. It turned out to be miserable. Jonathan screamed the whole time because his gums are hurting him terribly because of teething. Haddie and Annelise would not stop fighting and running and screaming. I got home and felt completely defeated and I just put them to bed because I had ZERO amount of patience left. I felt like the worst mom in the world.

As soon as I got a minute to sit down, I started praying for patience and grace. I started sobbing. This is not how I thought I would be as a mom. I always saw myself being a stay at home mom to a large family. A mom who’s got it together. As much as I am thankful for the life of so many blessings that God has given me, I feel a lot of guilt just for being a working mom. I can never measure up in my own eyes. I love my job as a teacher and it is truly amazing to do what I am good at and what I enjoy, but I feel like trying to find work-life balance is like trying to play two musical instruments at the same time while riding a unicycle. I wing it and try to make it look good.

I’ve come to realize that the life I always imagined for myself, that I always dreamed, might not ever happen. It wasn’t an easy thing to let go of. But the more I try to control what I can’t control, and the more I just try to “make it happen”, the more frustrated I get at the futility of my efforts. As if I don’t already have enough frustrations in my life…

But you know what? In the moment of my surrender, I felt the peace of God touch my heart in a way that I never felt when I was trying to order my life how I saw fit in my own eyes. My dreams are not “bad” dreams. But they are not coming true. In the face of that, can I rest in the truth that God is enough? Can I receive the truth that he is in control, and that I am not, and that he has my best interests in mind? Can I trust him with my dreams, whether or not they come true? Can I trust him with my feeble parenting efforts, even in the times that I give my very best and still fail? Can I trust him enough with my future to let go of trying to manipulate HIS plans for my present? Can I let go of my pride enough to give myself and my family much-needed grace?

We all as women have different stories and different struggles. I know many other women who have struggled with miscarriages and infertility, whom I’ve heard share their despair in the journey of trying to make THEIR dreams come true. I know moms of wayward children, who go to bed every night praying for and worrying about their children, wondering if their prayers will ever be answered, and not being able to do anything about it. I know single moms, who face an insurmountable amount of responsibility, raising kids by themselves. I know single women who always dreamed of getting married, but haven’t been able to settle down yet. These women are struggling to do the best they can to live a life they didn’t imagine or plan for.

Can I share what God has taught me in MY struggle? He has whispered to me

YOU ARE SECURE.
YOU ARE WANTED.
YOU ARE PURSUED.
I SEE YOU AND I AM PROUD OF YOU.
NOTHING YOU DO GOES UNNOTICED, AND I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT YOUR DESIRES.
MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS.
I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS.
I APPROVE OF YOU.
I AM WAITING FOR YOU TO GIVE ME YOUR DREAMS. I WILL WAIT AS LONG AS IT TAKES.
WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU IS BETTER THAN YOUR DREAMS, AND YOUR DESTINY IN ME PERFECTLY MATCHES WHO I HAVE CREATED YOU TO BE.
I CAN RIGHT ALL YOUR WRONGS IF YOU WILL COME TO ME WITH YOUR STRUGGLES.
TRUST ME.

There are so many other truths that I can’t even articulate, that God is teaching me, and continually reminding me when I am quiet enough to listen. It is a daily battle that we all as believing women face. But I hope that this post can encourage all my Facebook friends to know that God is here with us, and he is enough for us, in our daily struggles.